There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize