yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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