Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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