I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
