his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
