On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
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Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize