Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Randomize
