i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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