i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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