here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
