So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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