Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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