Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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