I wish my penis had an off switch
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
