if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
