Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
