I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Randomize
