Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
