there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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