the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
