Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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