Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
