Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
