Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
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