addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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