The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
