Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
