I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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