im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
