Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
