Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
