this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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