Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
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we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
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I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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