I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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