Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
