This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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