and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
