Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
