Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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