How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
