Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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