my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
