omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
