OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
