I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
