sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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