the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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