I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
