not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
false alarm, still single
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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