remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
