i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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