you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
