I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Randomize
