i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
