Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
