I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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