the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
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