How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Randomize
