I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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