well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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