So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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