I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
