apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i wish my penis had a tongue
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
