new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Someone came in the potted fern
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
